Five Things Not to Say to Those Who Have Lost Loved Ones to Suicide

 1.  Did you see it coming?

This question is irrelevant. There are times when a person takes their life and everyone is shocked; there are other instances where loved ones knew and were doing everything they knew to do in order to prevent it but the person still suicided. Asking this question only adds to the guilt survivors already feel. It is not helpful in any way, shape or form.

2. Do you think God will send them to hell for this?

First of all, how is this question comforting? When I lost my first husband, I received cards where people said they prayed God would have mercy on Michael’s soul and not send him to hell for what he did. These cards infuriated me! If you believe that, keep it to yourself — it only adds to the hurt and shame of loved ones left behind. Furthermore, I strongly believe where a person spends eternity is dependent on whether or not they had a relationship with Jesus Christ. I have yet to find anywhere in the Bible that says either implicitly or explicitly that suicide is an unforgivable sin. I personally believe suicide is wrong, but it is not unforgivable and to suggest that God would take away a person’t salvation is unbiblical.

3. How did they do it?

One woman who lost her husband to suicide shared with me that weeks after her husband’s death, she was pulled over by a police officer who walked up to her window and said, “I heard your husband killed himself. How did he do it?” I was incredulous when I heard this! If the family wants you to know the details of the suicide, they will tell you. This is a nosy question. Don’t ask!

4. Do you know why they did it?

Most people look for a reason for which to blame the suicide. In all the people I’ve met who survived attempts, it has never been any one thing but a combination of things that led them to believe the lie that their only out was death. Trust me, family and friends will wrestle with this question for years, and even if they know the answer it does nothing to erase the pain of the loss. Asking this question only adds to their feelings of inadequacy, of shame, and potentially of anger.

If loved ones ask why, don’t feel compelled to answer. There is no simple answer and any you could give would sound trite. Just listen. Be present. Give them the freedom and space to wrestle with this question.

5. I know exactly what you are going through.

Don’t say this because it isn’t true. Suicidal loss is different from other losses in that survivors often experience guilt, shame, relief, embarrassment and other complicated grief symptoms. I remember a woman telling me after losing my mother-in-law to suicide, “I know how you feel. I lost a guy in my class in high school…” and she then proceeded to tell me all the speculations of why he died, how he died and more. This did not help me! I didn’t care in that moment about a distant friend she lost over 20 years prior. Even if you have lost someone to suicide, each person’s grief is unique. A couple can lose a child and each of them will experience grief in their own personal way. You cannot and do not know what another person is going through — instead keep it simple saying, “I am so sorry for your loss.”

When a person dies by suicide, there are no words to erase the hurt and pain of loved ones. Instead, offer your presence. Offer tangible expressions of love — casseroles, gift cards for meals, housecleaning services, free babysitting. If they want time alone, be sensitive to that. Respect their wishes. Pray for them. Love them. Support them.