20 Years Later: Lessons I have Learned about Grief
20 years. How can it be? Twenty years ago was the worst day of my life. I sometimes hear the screams as if they were yesterday. My screams. My husband of nine years was gone. Tragically and suddenly, he left us. My world was spinning out of control. I remember asking God if there would ever be a day when I wouldn’t cry. Why would Michael take his life and leave us all alone?
But we were not alone. God was with us. He draws near to the brokenhearted. He carried me when I couldn’t take another step. People said I was strong. They were so wrong. They saw the Lord’s strength, not mine.
Fast forward twenty years. Not only have my tears stopped, but I have inexplicable joy. Joy that only comes from knowing and experiencing the goodness of God. I prayed for years for God to turn my weeping to laughing and my mourning to dancing. God did far more — he multiplied my joy. You can learn more of my story in Seeking Answers, Finding Peace. I want to share with you some things I learned in the past 20 years.
- When I reflect on that day 20 years ago, I have conflicting emotions. I still experience sadness and anger remain, but they are coupled with joy and peace. It is possible to experience seemingly opposing feelings simultaneously. I am sad Michael is gone, and I am angry my daughter grew up without her father. However, I am also incredibly grateful for and in love with Jeff. I cannot imagine life without him. To think God allowed me to love not once, but twice leaves me in awe. I am at peace because I know I would not be who I am today without the pain and horror of January 27, 2006.
- If you are grieving, take heart. The pain never leaves us completely, but with Christ, we can grow so that the pain takes up less room in our lives. The best advice I ever received regarding grief was to feel. Feel whatever emotion rises in the moment. Don’t fight it. Don’t feel guilty about it. Just experience the feeling. The good news is feelings change. By allowing ourselves permission to feel, we also grant the opportunity for our feelings to change.
- Feeling joy does not mean we know longer miss the person. It does not take away our grief. Joy reminds us God still has life for us — a different life than we envisioned, but life nonetheless.
Whatever you are feeling today, feel it with all your heart. Don’t necessarily believe every thought you think regarding the feeling, just allow the emotion to pass without judgment. Allow the great Comforter to do his healing work. I would not be where I am today without him.
Beautiful, thank you for sharing ❤️
This is so true! Thank you!
Dr. Ford,
I had the privilege of serving under Michael for a week in Helen on a missions trip through my church when I was a teenager. That was probably 25 years ago. My father, with whom Michael was acquainted, informed me of his passing back in 2006.
I think that he knew of my struggles with depression, but didn’t know how to handle them. I have a long history of being physically and verbally abusive to myself for saying or doing something I perceived as stupid and refused to forgive myself for any infraction. I remember Dad asking me when I was 10 or 11 if I had contemplated ending my life. I lied and said no. That memory has haunted me ever since.
My wife and I are experiencing some very troubling times—mostly of my making. There have been many times when I contemplated what I would leave behind—how she would be better off without me in the long run, etc…
I began looking into your story to try and gain some perspective on what the aftermath may be. What struck me was a quote, and I’ll paraphrase “don’t use a permanent solution for a temporary problem.” Another friend who had suffered horrible loss within the last few years also told me “God will use your pain.”
What struck me is that God can use your pain for His and your good and bring joy along with it. But I also should not deliberately make myself the conduit of that in someone else’s life—especially someone that I love.
Thank you for telling your story and bringing that to the forefront of my mind.
Learning to forgive myself as I am commanded to forgive others is still a foreign concept to me, and I hope someday it will become standard practice.
I ask that you simply pray for my wife and I. We could use it.
God bless,
Mike